Understanding who I am and who I want to be

stress-free-woman

written by Sarah Colgate

Self Awareness

April 15, 2021

For my 30th birthday my husband and I took a trip to Thailand for 3 weeks and a side trip to Macau. The trip was great, we took in the sites of Bangkok, Phuket, PhiPhi islands and Ao Nang. We travelled to Macau as we were looking to see if it was somewhere we could Iive, there were all the new casinos being built and my husband and I were both in the gaming industry at the time. The whole time we were away I felt different, I felt fulfilled and occupied, possibly even inspired. It’s easy to escape reality while you are travelling and the travel bug bit in hard. I have always loved seeing the sites around the world and I  began to think that maybe what I needed was travel to make me feel whole again.

 

 

We looked at every option of packing up and travelling the globe. How we could do it, where we would go and how we would afford it. We weren’t 20 somethings now we were more 30 somethings and less likely to want to work in bars etc around the world. We spent weeks and months dreaming and researching to see what options we could come up with.

 

 

meeting Anne and filling the hole

 

However after a few months things died down, we settled back into work and normal life, then I began to feel empty all over again. It was like someone removed my insides.

Geoff and I had been together 10 years when I turned 30 and we had always said that when I got to 30 the biological clock would kick in. Then we would know if we actually wanted to have kids. So once we were back from Thailand, things settled back into life and we realised the idea of travelling the globe as 30 somethings with a mortgage to pay wasn’t a great option.

I began wondering if the empty feeling inside me was because we didn’t have kids yet. Maybe my heart and my soul would fill up if we had kids. Mind you I had never been someone who knew they wanted kids or even marriage. I always thought that wasn’t really my thing. I am not super maternal so I really wasn’t sure how it would go if I did decide to have a baby and be a mum.

 

Looking for answers to fill the gap

 

I was looking for an answer, something, anything to fill the hole in me. It felt like it was something physical that needed medical attention so I had seen a few doctors. Each one of them said there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. Then I began to think maybe it was in my head.  So I saw a psychologist. She assured me there wasn’t anything wrong with me and I was a happy bubbly woman with nothing at all to be worried about and I had nothing wrong that she could fix. Now I was really starting to get concerned and somewhat depressed. I felt like I had this massive hole in my soul. It was burning through me.

 

One day, I was sitting in the dining room at work eating lunch with some colleagues. As everyone went back to work there was a young girl Jess and I left at the table. We got to talking and realised we had a lot in common (growing up, parents relationship etc). As we shared our stories Jess asked me if I had ever got any help to help me heal or move past the family stuff I had been carrying around. When I told her about how I felt she gave me the contact details of a counsellor she was seeing. Anne.

 

From what Jess had said Anne really got it. She was switched on. So I called and booked to see Anne the next day.

 

 

My first Meeting with Anne

 

On my first appointment I sat down and she asked me “Why are you here today?”  My response “Because I am not sure if I want to have kids” 

 

Her response was heartbreaking and a relief all at the same time. “Oh honey we have a whole bunch of work to do on you before we introduce babies into the equation.” something inside me cracked and I let everything out and I mean everything. I guess it was just the recognition that someone  could see inside me inside the massive hole I had in my soul and was brave enough to work with me to fix it.

 

Anne had an amazing ability to know exactly what was wrong, what was important, what worked and what didn’t work. I was never a patient. I was a student. Anne’s focus has always been to provide her students with the tools to improve their lives. Tools we can use for the rest of our lives, not just while we were working with her.

 

 Building tools and building resilience 

 

Anne educated me every week on how to retrain my brain from a sad, negative, depressed mindset to a strong, positive and powerful mindset. It wasn’t easy and it took work every single day. I gave up so many times and when things hit rock bottom I started back up again. We had hundreds of meetings and thousands of phone calls over a period of about 5 years.  The way we retrained my brain was through affirmations. I said them every day, and I created news ones. I wrote them in my journal, I wrote them on mirrors, in diaries and on “post it” notes all over the house. And I still say them especially when things get a little crazy. I have said thousands and thousands of affirmations over the last 15 years. I have also created a page of them that you can download and do yourself. https://sarahcolgate.com.au/quotes-affirmations/

 

With Anne I learnt to relinquish the head controller in me. It’s hard to admit you are a head controller but you recognise them outside of yourself before you realise you are one. My Mum is a sensational head controller – A Master. Now I understand that what head controllers say and do is a true reflection on themselves and absolutely nothing to do with me. It’s an amazingly freeing feeling knowing you are not responsible for anyone but yourself but also you can’t control anyone but yourself, even that kind of control ‘s hard at times.

 

When I look back on my time with Anne I feel so blessed to have learnt from her, to have found her and to be able to use the tools she imparted in my life 15 years later.

 

 

Conclusion

 

I looked for answers to the hole inside me. I looked for knowledge and I was not prepared to accept that this was normal. I believe that when you put the wheels in motion things start to change, the universe recognises that work or effort and a solution comes along. When it does you need to be brave enough to give it a go and open enough to identify it.

 

All these years later I still use the tools Anne gave me, I started speaking with her again every Sunday to get my thoughts and beliefs back on track during this COVID shit time. She has helped me so much and has saved me in every way you can imagine.

 

If you need help, find someone to talk to. Begin with anyone and when you are ready to be more open and learn more your teacher will come along just as Anne did for me.

 

The key one for me is affirmations. Essentially it’s positive reinforcement. Telling yourself positive messages endlessly. One day you will feel them, they won’t just be words. I still reassure myself to this day with affirmations. I taught my kids affirmations and I am sharing them with you. DOWNLOAD THEM HERE 

 

Teach your children and partner !

 

You got this.

 

Xx Sarah

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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